Appeased ~

On October 2nd, Rhockaby is feeling: Appeased ~

Today I got a promotion at work :)

If you're here, you probably know how much I am into vigorous melody based movement. No, not having sex with cheesy music in the background. Dancing. Recently I have had plenty of time to dance, I'd say 3-4 days a week. Heck, the only reason I wouldn't be dancing is because of my second job. If I'm not working my night shifts, you know I'll be at Tivoli, jamming.

And in the past few months, I've also had the amazing chance to utilize my creativity, professionally! Sure, egg cartons aren't ALL that, but it's something that I love doing, and mind me, something that I'm good at too. And it pays the bills as well, so that's a plus plus!

Last Sunday was Fiesta Malaysia. I reprised my role and was quite happy to contribute my jumping abilities (lol... jumping...) for the East Malaysian Dance. Despite the weather, I had such an amazing time performing, and even more preparing for the event. Now all will know that Yaya's house has a buluh tear on the carpet due to experimentation :P And it was such a great feeling hanging out with other people who are so enthusiastic!

To sum things up, in the past few months I have been spending a lot of time doing things that I truly enjoy, and for lack of a better term, I get paid for it as well. Sure I'm not making big bucks and pouring cash outta my pocket, but I'm getting by. To love your work is not working at all, and I am so blessed to be experiencing it.

There is a question of how long I'll be keeping this up. Down the road, I will need something more secure, something that'll not only provide for my mouth, but another's as well as mini-mouths too. I can only hope that I'll still be doing what I love :)

"I need to provide for my family"

"But provide what exactly? The understanding that money is the most important thing? Or the idea that the only life worth living is one you really passionate about."

I'll leave you to find out where I got that from.

Today I got a promotion at work. And it may have been because of my good work, or my attitude, or my countless hours slaving. But all that was done with a smile on my face and me looking forward to it every morning waking up. How many people can say they feel the same?

Oh, before I forget... Lynn and I just had our 1 year anniversary! :)

Content ~

On May 24th, Rhockaby is feeling: Content ~

I came across a picture which hit me head on like a bullet train to a solid concrete retaining wall. The picture displayed so little detail yet, to me personally, had so much in depth meaning (thus another good example of K.I.S.S). I couldn't help but share the feeling of completeness, being whole, content.

The thing that bugged me the most is while I know such a thing is (falsely) attainable, as proven by countless anecdotes, memoirs and half-truthed life stories, I cannot possibly see myself laying on the sand, sun shining in my eyes, soft misty breeze every other second saying to myself "This is all I'll ever need" and then not ever have another worry in the world. How do you achieve such security?

Bearing in mind that the definition of content can only amount to the infinite of infinities, each individual is made whole by a totally intimate entity, exclusive, per se. Should you swim the shallow depths of my mind you will find the earthly things I would perceive as 'completeness'. But what of the nether regions, the deepest darkest, the most intimate of intimates. Does the secret to ones content lie in our unorthodox souls, or maybe our subtle minds? Is there anyone who can really know what they need to be whole? The mind blurs this fine question, as one would then answer "I know what I need to be complete".

Pfft... how ignorant.

You don't know what you need. You know what you WANT. Your perception of completeness stretches only so far as your desire. We try oh so hard to obtain what others have in hopes that we gain their happiness. But we are ignorant to think that more is gain. We are ignorant to think that achievement is gain. Another step to wholeness, when what we don't see are the stairs that keep accumulating.

To live without purpose is a life not worth living. Being content eliminates purpose. Thus the next best thing is to never feel whole, never feel content with what we have. Thank the heavens for what we have and pray for more achievements, but never stop living. Have a purpose, one after the other. Reach your targets and then set new ones.

That said, and I truly hope, on my deathbed I would want that not even an inch of my mind would have the possibility of thinking the two foul words. Two words that haunt souls for the rest of their lives. Two words that forever embed regret. And on my deathbed, I would wish that I DO feel content, happy and smiling, and that I would never have to utter the two words,

"...what if...."

Incommodious ~

On April 16th, Rhockaby is feeling: Incommodious ~

Imagine this; raging eagle soaring in the heavens, scouting the fields below for it's prey, a worthy hunt, a worthy meal! The sky is it's own, this is where it lives, this is where it is most at home. The big blue of nothingness is where the king of the sky roams, this is his kingdom.

Now take its wings away and the king is reduced to a chicken. Life's not bad, he can't fly but hey, he's alive isn't he? He might not have rodents to feast on so he'll have to do with worms. And accompanying him is daily prayer that he won't turn out as someone's main dish, torn into oh so small pieces, layered with breadcrumbs and cheese with a pinch of lemon juice and a hint of mayonnaise, baked nicely at 120 degrees for 45 minutes. Anyway...

You can take the eagle out of the sky but you can't take the sky out of the eagle. Flying was all it ever did, and flying is what it will always WANT to do. Take away it's wings and it's left feeling confined, trapped, staring up to the blue sky and wishing of what could have been.

So damn this. I know that all things happen for a reason but the sky is teasing me more than ever now. Alas, to live on a healthy and prosperous life, I'll endure the worms for a tad bit longer.

Tad.

Bit.

Enervated ~

On Sunday, 22nd March Rhockaby is feeling : Enervated

Most times couples tend to forget they're not of the same gender. Men fail to comprehend the need of endless shopping while women fail to see the importance of... well, that was a close one wasn't it :)

If you haven't read the book 'Men are from Mars, women are from Venus' it basically studies the... umm... to be honest I never read the book haha. Anyway, what I would guess the book highlights is that it is important to note the fact that you are not your partner, you do not think the same way and you do not have similar tolerance levels (despite what you may think after the 2nd, 3rd date). Hard hitting truth but hey, that's just how it is.

Think of it this way; for every person in the world there is another that will be able to tolerate them. The reasons for enduring may stretch from one end of the world to the other, usually out of patience, sacrfice, love. Though the most riveting reason would have to be ...unexplainable. An honest feeling of succumbing to their whim, and with no explaination needed. Such an action would originate from the depths of ones subconcious, like a basic instinct, a primordial proclivity.

Unfortunately, in some common cases this has been used to a significant degree of abuse; total submission to one's so called 'significant other' has led to tragic events, worst of which would be the loss of free will. When 'love' is so 'strong' that you would do anything for you other, be well aware that you might just be looking for approval and acception rather than joy and compainionship. AND unfortunately, this is the road often travelled.

When you do however manage to cling on to a keeper, asking them why they tolerate you might get you a variety of answers,

"I'll sacrifice my pride for us"

"I do love you so much"

But don't be discouraged if they cannot tell you why they do it, it might not even be possible to put into words. Though if it could somehow be managed, it might sound something like

"There's this deep feeling I have right here (points to heart) that is telling me subconsciously to be with you no matter the circumstances in which I can safely clarify that I am doing this because I simply genuinely wan't to"

Like I said. IF.

al⋅pha

-noun - the first; beginning

Congratulations, you have just successfully imported your friendster blog into your blogger account. Now there's really nothing holding you back from deleting that account of yours.

Oh how the times that you've spent hours upon hours on friendster, surfing the profiles of our friends and relatives, refreshing the home page to check whether you have new comments (whoops, testimonials... yes, that was what it was called) or inbox messages. Ah, gone are the days of endless customizing of css and html and what not. You've out grown friendster, haven't you, yes you have. Your into facebook now, whoot.

The Avenue was supposed to be a fresh start for you, but recently people have been commenting and asking about your previous posts. And yes, you just couldn't bring yourself to delete that heap of what you consider 'creative display of emotions and thought expressed through over-thesaurized (???) words'. Oh yea, you just love reading your own work doncha? :P

Two types: you'll be able to distictly identify the posts' content by the title, since I have two distinct types of posts. Oh well, just an extra effort to over-complicated what should be simple task. But isn't that norm of humans? What is simple we over complicate, what is complicated we complain about, what is less we want more, what is more we... well, usually WANT more.

"Earth provides enough to satisfy every man's need, but not every man's greed"

I'll leave you find out who quoted that.

res·ur·rect

- verb (used with object) to raise from the dead; bring to life again

The most disturbingly provocative quote that you have ever heard may be

"Who are you trying to convince? Me, or yourself?"

This was said by Brian's psychiatrist when Brian came in for a consult on what he should be doing with his life. Leave it to the creators of Family Guy to teach us all a lesson :D

Too many people decide to put on a facade rather than dealing with reality. Too many people think that by moving on as something never happened will actually help them move on. Too many people think that telling themselves they'll be okay, they are strong, they don't need it, will bounce them back into life in a jiffy. Denial at its best.

(And in your case, your break-up a few months back)

People need to come to terms with themselves. For once in your lives, leave you ego beside the warm crackling fireplace and run out into the storm. Leave those comforting quotes and blanket of idioms and self motivation and just stumble. Stop trying to control everything and just. Let. Go.

People hold back their tears just to prove they are strong. Who are you trying to convince.

People say what they had was stupid, useless, not worth crying over. Who are you trying to convince.

People put on a smile, laugh unruly, and act joyfully unscathed. Who are you trying to convince.

Who ARE you trying to convince? Because no one is buying it.

Because no matter how insignificant you think it was, it wasn't. It was special, it was euphoric. You were docile, you were a slave to it. It was the greatest moment of your life and it was going to go on forever. But it didn't, and that is something that you have to come to accept. That all that have could have and would have will never be. And when your greatest expectations and rushed down in a blazing inferno, what would be the humane thing to do?

"Go on, Cornelius, you can cry..." Bob, Fight Club

If Tuesday's With Morrie has taught you anything, it was how to accept defeat. How to accept loss. How to accept pain, and deal with it. Cry your heart out, get lost in oblivion, be the center of which the world revolves around and blame it for not making sense. Feel the loss, for loss only shows that you had something significant before. At times when it hurts most, let it hurt. Let it overwhelm you.

This, is what we would like to call, a dark moment.

(And I quote a confidant of yours,

"There are sometimes where I am totally okay without him, but then there are times when I feel like how can I live without him")

You have your dark moments, more often than you would like to. You do miss her so much, and from time to time the pain is ridiculously unbearable. But you let it overwhelm you, and you give in to it. Sometimes your mornings are sad, sometimes your nights are sad. But in turn, the day is always well lived :)

A dark moment is just that; a moment. Give into it at that time, and that's that. By accepting what is and what was, you can then proceed to truly letting go, giving yourself a chance to resurrect.

Rapt ~

On June 22nd, Rhockaby is feeling : Rapt ~

And as the night goes on, students will burn the midnight oil (the royals as well as those fast-tracking somewhere up there) as tomorrow hosts a series or exams for future engineers and accountants.

Words are a very powerful medium. Tis true the old phrase that goes 'the pen is mightier than the sword' though 12 years ago I would have thought this was some mighty pen that knights of the old age used to beat up their enemies if they dropped their swords or something...

*beat beat beat* take that yee petty thief! Thou shall feel the wrath of thy might pen! Doth thou desire it? DOTH THOUUUUU!??!?!??!?!?!??

...and then used it to sign petitions or contracts or stuff.

With words come influence, and this is where the might of words come into play. A whole nation can be swayed into thinking a war is theirs to fight, individuals persuaded to side on an illusion, and so on. While no major war has broken out due to a clash of friends (wait, how did the Boston Tea Party start again?), words should not be taken lightly even at such conventional levels.

Choose your words wisely before you speak. Some may brush off yet most stab and stay, and to stab and stay in the heart of those you cherish might not be the most preferable thing to do.

And remember, it does work both ways. As such a pain is inflicted, remedy with an apology, sincere and truthful (with a pinch of remorse and you're good to go). Nothing beats putting your ego aside and mend. Mend mend mend.

Now off to more important things.