Appeased ~

On October 2nd, Rhockaby is feeling: Appeased ~

Today I got a promotion at work :)

If you're here, you probably know how much I am into vigorous melody based movement. No, not having sex with cheesy music in the background. Dancing. Recently I have had plenty of time to dance, I'd say 3-4 days a week. Heck, the only reason I wouldn't be dancing is because of my second job. If I'm not working my night shifts, you know I'll be at Tivoli, jamming.

And in the past few months, I've also had the amazing chance to utilize my creativity, professionally! Sure, egg cartons aren't ALL that, but it's something that I love doing, and mind me, something that I'm good at too. And it pays the bills as well, so that's a plus plus!

Last Sunday was Fiesta Malaysia. I reprised my role and was quite happy to contribute my jumping abilities (lol... jumping...) for the East Malaysian Dance. Despite the weather, I had such an amazing time performing, and even more preparing for the event. Now all will know that Yaya's house has a buluh tear on the carpet due to experimentation :P And it was such a great feeling hanging out with other people who are so enthusiastic!

To sum things up, in the past few months I have been spending a lot of time doing things that I truly enjoy, and for lack of a better term, I get paid for it as well. Sure I'm not making big bucks and pouring cash outta my pocket, but I'm getting by. To love your work is not working at all, and I am so blessed to be experiencing it.

There is a question of how long I'll be keeping this up. Down the road, I will need something more secure, something that'll not only provide for my mouth, but another's as well as mini-mouths too. I can only hope that I'll still be doing what I love :)

"I need to provide for my family"

"But provide what exactly? The understanding that money is the most important thing? Or the idea that the only life worth living is one you really passionate about."

I'll leave you to find out where I got that from.

Today I got a promotion at work. And it may have been because of my good work, or my attitude, or my countless hours slaving. But all that was done with a smile on my face and me looking forward to it every morning waking up. How many people can say they feel the same?

Oh, before I forget... Lynn and I just had our 1 year anniversary! :)

Content ~

On May 24th, Rhockaby is feeling: Content ~

I came across a picture which hit me head on like a bullet train to a solid concrete retaining wall. The picture displayed so little detail yet, to me personally, had so much in depth meaning (thus another good example of K.I.S.S). I couldn't help but share the feeling of completeness, being whole, content.

The thing that bugged me the most is while I know such a thing is (falsely) attainable, as proven by countless anecdotes, memoirs and half-truthed life stories, I cannot possibly see myself laying on the sand, sun shining in my eyes, soft misty breeze every other second saying to myself "This is all I'll ever need" and then not ever have another worry in the world. How do you achieve such security?

Bearing in mind that the definition of content can only amount to the infinite of infinities, each individual is made whole by a totally intimate entity, exclusive, per se. Should you swim the shallow depths of my mind you will find the earthly things I would perceive as 'completeness'. But what of the nether regions, the deepest darkest, the most intimate of intimates. Does the secret to ones content lie in our unorthodox souls, or maybe our subtle minds? Is there anyone who can really know what they need to be whole? The mind blurs this fine question, as one would then answer "I know what I need to be complete".

Pfft... how ignorant.

You don't know what you need. You know what you WANT. Your perception of completeness stretches only so far as your desire. We try oh so hard to obtain what others have in hopes that we gain their happiness. But we are ignorant to think that more is gain. We are ignorant to think that achievement is gain. Another step to wholeness, when what we don't see are the stairs that keep accumulating.

To live without purpose is a life not worth living. Being content eliminates purpose. Thus the next best thing is to never feel whole, never feel content with what we have. Thank the heavens for what we have and pray for more achievements, but never stop living. Have a purpose, one after the other. Reach your targets and then set new ones.

That said, and I truly hope, on my deathbed I would want that not even an inch of my mind would have the possibility of thinking the two foul words. Two words that haunt souls for the rest of their lives. Two words that forever embed regret. And on my deathbed, I would wish that I DO feel content, happy and smiling, and that I would never have to utter the two words,

"...what if...."

Incommodious ~

On April 16th, Rhockaby is feeling: Incommodious ~

Imagine this; raging eagle soaring in the heavens, scouting the fields below for it's prey, a worthy hunt, a worthy meal! The sky is it's own, this is where it lives, this is where it is most at home. The big blue of nothingness is where the king of the sky roams, this is his kingdom.

Now take its wings away and the king is reduced to a chicken. Life's not bad, he can't fly but hey, he's alive isn't he? He might not have rodents to feast on so he'll have to do with worms. And accompanying him is daily prayer that he won't turn out as someone's main dish, torn into oh so small pieces, layered with breadcrumbs and cheese with a pinch of lemon juice and a hint of mayonnaise, baked nicely at 120 degrees for 45 minutes. Anyway...

You can take the eagle out of the sky but you can't take the sky out of the eagle. Flying was all it ever did, and flying is what it will always WANT to do. Take away it's wings and it's left feeling confined, trapped, staring up to the blue sky and wishing of what could have been.

So damn this. I know that all things happen for a reason but the sky is teasing me more than ever now. Alas, to live on a healthy and prosperous life, I'll endure the worms for a tad bit longer.

Tad.

Bit.

Enervated ~

On Sunday, 22nd March Rhockaby is feeling : Enervated

Most times couples tend to forget they're not of the same gender. Men fail to comprehend the need of endless shopping while women fail to see the importance of... well, that was a close one wasn't it :)

If you haven't read the book 'Men are from Mars, women are from Venus' it basically studies the... umm... to be honest I never read the book haha. Anyway, what I would guess the book highlights is that it is important to note the fact that you are not your partner, you do not think the same way and you do not have similar tolerance levels (despite what you may think after the 2nd, 3rd date). Hard hitting truth but hey, that's just how it is.

Think of it this way; for every person in the world there is another that will be able to tolerate them. The reasons for enduring may stretch from one end of the world to the other, usually out of patience, sacrfice, love. Though the most riveting reason would have to be ...unexplainable. An honest feeling of succumbing to their whim, and with no explaination needed. Such an action would originate from the depths of ones subconcious, like a basic instinct, a primordial proclivity.

Unfortunately, in some common cases this has been used to a significant degree of abuse; total submission to one's so called 'significant other' has led to tragic events, worst of which would be the loss of free will. When 'love' is so 'strong' that you would do anything for you other, be well aware that you might just be looking for approval and acception rather than joy and compainionship. AND unfortunately, this is the road often travelled.

When you do however manage to cling on to a keeper, asking them why they tolerate you might get you a variety of answers,

"I'll sacrifice my pride for us"

"I do love you so much"

But don't be discouraged if they cannot tell you why they do it, it might not even be possible to put into words. Though if it could somehow be managed, it might sound something like

"There's this deep feeling I have right here (points to heart) that is telling me subconsciously to be with you no matter the circumstances in which I can safely clarify that I am doing this because I simply genuinely wan't to"

Like I said. IF.

al⋅pha

-noun - the first; beginning

Congratulations, you have just successfully imported your friendster blog into your blogger account. Now there's really nothing holding you back from deleting that account of yours.

Oh how the times that you've spent hours upon hours on friendster, surfing the profiles of our friends and relatives, refreshing the home page to check whether you have new comments (whoops, testimonials... yes, that was what it was called) or inbox messages. Ah, gone are the days of endless customizing of css and html and what not. You've out grown friendster, haven't you, yes you have. Your into facebook now, whoot.

The Avenue was supposed to be a fresh start for you, but recently people have been commenting and asking about your previous posts. And yes, you just couldn't bring yourself to delete that heap of what you consider 'creative display of emotions and thought expressed through over-thesaurized (???) words'. Oh yea, you just love reading your own work doncha? :P

Two types: you'll be able to distictly identify the posts' content by the title, since I have two distinct types of posts. Oh well, just an extra effort to over-complicated what should be simple task. But isn't that norm of humans? What is simple we over complicate, what is complicated we complain about, what is less we want more, what is more we... well, usually WANT more.

"Earth provides enough to satisfy every man's need, but not every man's greed"

I'll leave you find out who quoted that.

res·ur·rect

- verb (used with object) to raise from the dead; bring to life again

The most disturbingly provocative quote that you have ever heard may be

"Who are you trying to convince? Me, or yourself?"

This was said by Brian's psychiatrist when Brian came in for a consult on what he should be doing with his life. Leave it to the creators of Family Guy to teach us all a lesson :D

Too many people decide to put on a facade rather than dealing with reality. Too many people think that by moving on as something never happened will actually help them move on. Too many people think that telling themselves they'll be okay, they are strong, they don't need it, will bounce them back into life in a jiffy. Denial at its best.

(And in your case, your break-up a few months back)

People need to come to terms with themselves. For once in your lives, leave you ego beside the warm crackling fireplace and run out into the storm. Leave those comforting quotes and blanket of idioms and self motivation and just stumble. Stop trying to control everything and just. Let. Go.

People hold back their tears just to prove they are strong. Who are you trying to convince.

People say what they had was stupid, useless, not worth crying over. Who are you trying to convince.

People put on a smile, laugh unruly, and act joyfully unscathed. Who are you trying to convince.

Who ARE you trying to convince? Because no one is buying it.

Because no matter how insignificant you think it was, it wasn't. It was special, it was euphoric. You were docile, you were a slave to it. It was the greatest moment of your life and it was going to go on forever. But it didn't, and that is something that you have to come to accept. That all that have could have and would have will never be. And when your greatest expectations and rushed down in a blazing inferno, what would be the humane thing to do?

"Go on, Cornelius, you can cry..." Bob, Fight Club

If Tuesday's With Morrie has taught you anything, it was how to accept defeat. How to accept loss. How to accept pain, and deal with it. Cry your heart out, get lost in oblivion, be the center of which the world revolves around and blame it for not making sense. Feel the loss, for loss only shows that you had something significant before. At times when it hurts most, let it hurt. Let it overwhelm you.

This, is what we would like to call, a dark moment.

(And I quote a confidant of yours,

"There are sometimes where I am totally okay without him, but then there are times when I feel like how can I live without him")

You have your dark moments, more often than you would like to. You do miss her so much, and from time to time the pain is ridiculously unbearable. But you let it overwhelm you, and you give in to it. Sometimes your mornings are sad, sometimes your nights are sad. But in turn, the day is always well lived :)

A dark moment is just that; a moment. Give into it at that time, and that's that. By accepting what is and what was, you can then proceed to truly letting go, giving yourself a chance to resurrect.

Rapt ~

On June 22nd, Rhockaby is feeling : Rapt ~

And as the night goes on, students will burn the midnight oil (the royals as well as those fast-tracking somewhere up there) as tomorrow hosts a series or exams for future engineers and accountants.

Words are a very powerful medium. Tis true the old phrase that goes 'the pen is mightier than the sword' though 12 years ago I would have thought this was some mighty pen that knights of the old age used to beat up their enemies if they dropped their swords or something...

*beat beat beat* take that yee petty thief! Thou shall feel the wrath of thy might pen! Doth thou desire it? DOTH THOUUUUU!??!?!??!?!?!??

...and then used it to sign petitions or contracts or stuff.

With words come influence, and this is where the might of words come into play. A whole nation can be swayed into thinking a war is theirs to fight, individuals persuaded to side on an illusion, and so on. While no major war has broken out due to a clash of friends (wait, how did the Boston Tea Party start again?), words should not be taken lightly even at such conventional levels.

Choose your words wisely before you speak. Some may brush off yet most stab and stay, and to stab and stay in the heart of those you cherish might not be the most preferable thing to do.

And remember, it does work both ways. As such a pain is inflicted, remedy with an apology, sincere and truthful (with a pinch of remorse and you're good to go). Nothing beats putting your ego aside and mend. Mend mend mend.

Now off to more important things.

Rejuvenated ~

On June 2nd, Rhockaby is feeling : Rejuvenated ~

Tis that time again when all skies turn grey and winds blast your face with ice cold stabs of imaginary ice beams. Winter is much colder this time around. Waking up, or shall I say staying up after 6.00am is out of the question. You wake up expecting the sunshine bouncing off the Commonwealth building into your room only to be greeted by layers and layers of fog. Not a way to start your day, but everyone has to get out none the less.

Day are getting shorter, as are nights. No, I didn't mean it literally. With the increasing work load and exam around the corner, everyone is under stress. Not much space to breath if you're pushing your thesis a few months early, trust me. But all for a good reason. Fortunate for me, my stress relievers are well provided and all around available.

Guitar hero, nandos, talking bS on the phone, laa dii daa... what would I do without the ark gang!

All but a small consolation from the compressive nature of June. Hectic hectic hectic, busy busy busy. Recently I've learned that given the nature of the atmosphere, I have derailed myself from my multi-tasking nature and focus solely (SOLELY) on what is most important to me. No, I am not a workaholic but hey, there's always a first time for everything. Putting all you hold significant on hold isn't easy, but you get by.

And now, back to BUSM2342.

Atingle ~

On May 4th, Rhockaby is feeling : Atingle ~

Here's something from my 100 reasons why I love you :)

"...
90. The way you say 'I love you' after a big fight
89. Just the way you say 'I love you'
88. The way you wait for me while I dance
87. The way you edit my pics
86. The way you change tunes on your ipod in my swift
86. (Well... make that Dedek's Swift)
85. The way you choose somewhere new to go for lunch
84. Though it usually ends up someplace we've already been
83. The way you secretly log-on into my accounts
82. The way you just absolutely love surprises
81. The way you just absolutely love to ruin them as well
..."

So sayang, would you like to see the whole thing?

in·dig·nant

–adjective feeling, characterized by, or expressing strong displeasure at something considered unjust, offensive, insulting, or base: indignant remarks; an indignant expression on his face.

How often do we consider ourselves the problem, as opposed to putting the blame on others. How often do we point at ourselves first rather than pointing towards others. How often do I consider myself the cause of an issue, as opposed to thinking why everyone is so pissed off at me.

Rarely.

(If you're reading this then I am very well aware that you have stumbled across my entries by mistake, either a random typo or accidental click. I have no intentions of sharing my thoughts with others, that happens in my real life. Rather, I would like to re-express my concerns, and to whom else but myself. So if you do insist on reading be prepared for unexplained events and confusing phrases.)

"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" and all hell broke loose when I offended Bella, yet again. As angry as I wish to be, I am more disappointed in myself. I justify my acts as accordingly, but its seems like anything I do is without concern for her well being, or feelings, or emotions. Did I really ignore all the important entities while I was doing what was? She seems to think so.

5 months into forever and we're finally seeing the clashes that we were too ignorant to see a year ago. Though with my past experience I'd expect myself to be well prepared, I'm not. Because though the same basic rules apply for all games: PLAY FAIR, SHOW SPORTSMANSHIP, NO CHEATING, it is a totally different ball game. In the beginning I honestly had trouble adjusting. My previous relationship was totally out-spoken, full of thresholds and clear limitations. With Bella, it was more traditional, figuring what will and will not work, a change of mindset totally. And for the record I have never preferred one relationship over the other, it is always about giving you all, 100%, when you start something you go through with it.

5 months into forever and I still adore her, if not more. Despite the problems that have occurred, most of them have probably been triggered by my need to adjust. So I am angry, and I am pissed. At myself for not being able to comprehend things at most times.

And what better way to reflect on your problems than express! Unfortunately for me, I have a sprained ankle, a week long headache, a township to design, a catering and delivery proposal to finish, a structure to price assess and tunnel to manage. So hello blog.

Life is a one way road. The moment you regret something you'll wish you can go back to change it. Make full use of what has happened zx, learn from these experiences. And for God's sake try not to be so nice to everyone, you seriously piss me off later on.

Audacious ~

On November 24th, Rhockaby is feeling : Audacious~

By the time I finish this, a call would have been made and a promise would have been kept. Go on, wonder what I'm talking about.

"A confidant, hyped up and optimistic person" is how I describe myself best. I don't think I'm a confidant person, I know I am (see, thats confidence right there).

Some people lead life mediocrely. They don't jump to every opportunity, make best of every moment and don't take enough risks. But why should they? If people live a perfectly normal life, why fix something that isn't broken?

Because for some people, they're comfortable living a normal life. Routine after routine, day after day, living life as served to them. Me? I take the fight to the world. Routines are meant to be guidelines, not lifestyles. Risks are meant to be taken, not thoroughly analyzed.

People say modern day adventures don't exist. I say get off you Yahoo Messenger and You-Tube, stop the excessive shopping, get in line at a cafe and make small talk with the cashier while putting in your order. Learn the names of the waiters that serve you in your favorite restaurants, talk and be friend them. Learn to hold the door for the person behind you when entering or exiting, learn to say 'Hi!' before placing an order at a local fast food outlet. Small things, things that people neglect for fear of public reaction. Whats wrong with being friendly and out going? Whats wrong in being confidant and loving to speak up? Exactly, absolutely NOTHING.

Its called 'A leap of faith' for a reason. Despite the lack of empirical evidence to support your cause, confidence is all that you have when you take that step and soar. There is no guarantee that you'll reach the other side. There's always a risk of falling. There's always a chance of not making it. Who's to say the cashier will want to engage in small talk after you approach em. Who's to say that business op that you've undertaken will bloom you with riches. Who's to say Who's to say Who's to say ~

Think too much of the future and you'll be stuck in the present for ever. Learn to have faith in what you want and what you believe in. Most times rational is the way to go, other times its your gut and instincts that you should listen too. Or in other terms; what you heart tells you. I'm not saying that you should make choices solely based on cravings, sometimes the human mind can be so blinded by obsession that they'll do some ridiculous things! Find a balance, know when to take risks, know when to be confidant, know when to speak up and speak your mind. Take that leap of faith cause I assure you when you do land on the other side, it'll be all worth it.

A word of warning. With a great boost in confidence, your crashes in life become more devastating. You will suffer more than others, no BS. But you'll fall down, and you'll get up. And you'll fall again, and you'll get up again. And each time you get up you get stronger. You learn how to cope, you learn how to lean on others for support, you learn how to recover to a point that you surprise even yourself. Then life really begins, when you are not afraid to enjoy the best things in life without worrying too much bout what the outcome may be. The good things in life, the finer things in life, the way life should be lived, to the fullest!

Live life to the max. You'll live longer if you do :)

Dubious ~

On September 10th, Rhockaby is feeling : Dubious~

The older you get, they more you realize how good you had it a year ago. So many things come to mind, wishful wonders of what could and would have been if 'I did that' or 'I tried it out' or 'I went for it!'.

If I'd paid more attention, I would have realized that I was getting the same response from everyone. In most, if not all cases, I would get the answer:

'We're still young, Zack. We have plenty of time'
'What are you so worried about? There's always next year!'
'Ilek-ilek lah, mun ada rezeki jadilah nya'

I myself am guilty of uttering these words. And so I delayed. And I postponed. To egoistic to pick up and phone and to lazy to plan out my holiday. Thinking there is always another tomorrow to do another thing on my endless To-Do list that just keeps accumulating with age.
Is there really a tomorrow? YES. Should I wait till tomorrow to do stuff? YES. Why? Because today I'll be doing what I planned to do yesterday. TO LIVE. I'll dance while I can, meet new people while I can, chillax and lepak while I can, and truly truly absolutely-lutely have fun while doing so.

I was walking home this morning. The skies were blue and there was a soft breeze blowing. It's a beautiful day. Subahanallah, indahnya ciptaan Allah. How shall I make full use of this day? I am now in an outdoor food court, with a venti Caramel Mocha, wireless connection and a few ruffled notes from my lectures, doing my Wastewater assignment research. The breeze is amazing, the people are amazing, the atmosphere is amazing. I am alive, and I am enjoying life.

And you should, BY ALL MEANS, do so too. Allah bless you ;)

Jubilant ~

On June 30th, Rhockaby is feeling : Jubilant~

Despite what the blog time might say, I am typing this at 7.04AM (GMT+8.00 Malay Peninsular Standard Time).

Well, I really don't FEEL any different. Should I? Ngahahahaha ... here's a list I compiled 30 days prior to this special day of mine.

[30221] - Ada someone merajuk cause couldn't figure out what 30221 means ~
[29221] - Watched Pirates of the Caribbean!
[28221] - Got breakdancing pictures from Zammay! Whoot!
[27221] - Called home. Told mom plans for my new room.
[26221] - Had an exam feast! Roast roast and more roast ~
[25221] - Moved flat boxes under my matress ... actually DOES make a difference :P
[24221] - Had a nice chat with an old pal. Oh, and I aced the CIVE1143 exam!
[23221] - Homesick ... really bad case of it too.
[22221] - I did my soul good :)
[21221] - She loves me, she loves me not ... she loves me!
[20221] - Got the Soul Higher DVD! Sweet!
[19221] - Scammed a guy on Maple .... hahaha ~
[18221] - Fell in love with Leeloo. MOOLTIPASS!
[17221] - Boyination 5 trailer out!
[16221] - Done with exams, so bye-bye Jhune!
[15221] - Danced with Lamaroc! For the first time in 3 years!
[14221] - Stayed up all night playing Maple Story ... must ... get ... rich ... must ...!
[13221] - Created Rhockumaru ... *in tears* ... its amazing .....
[12221] - Found out I own a $200 beanie that I never got to wear. *looks up* Now thats just means X(
[11221] - (L)
[10221] - Early birthday celebration! Thanks everyone! XD
[09221] - Got me a Maplestory maple bandana! FINALLY!
[08221] - Hello Goldcoast! Whoooooootttttttttt!
[07221] - Outdoor Jacuzzi at Wet and Wild. Oh yeaa ~
[06221] - Accelerated at 4Gs on the Superman Escape. *_*
[05221] - Discovered popcorn with 'Cheese & Cheese' flavour. Did you get that? CHEESE & CHEESE!!!
[04221] - She misses me ~ ;)
[03221] - Walked the lively streets of Brizzy!
[02221] - Watched Transformers 2007 ... I'm a little boy again ~
[01221] - Finished my 30221 list :)

Thanks to all who remembered and wished. Don't worry bout not getting me prezzies, I claim them in bulk!

And just in case you wanted to get me a present for my 22nd birthday, here are a couple of things that I might want:

1. A girlfriend (For more specifications PM me)
   
2. Sony Ericsson 880i
   
3. Sony Ericsson MPS-60 (Portable speakers to go with my new phone)
   
4. Playstation 3
   
5. Tekken 7 bundled with my Playstation 3
   
6. A desktop
   
7. HDD Videocam
   
8. A box full of love and laughter (hahahahhahahaa ~)
   
9. Maplestory credit (100k of A-Cash would be nice)
   
10. Yet another RED hoodie
    
11. A Mini Cooper S
    
12. A yearly tram ticket would be nice
    
13. A digital camera
    
14. A cap! A nice red and white baseball cap!
    
15. Shades, nice sporty shades
    
16. A well defined haircut. Propose and I might just do it
    
17. B-boying gloves. Nice black ones please
    
18. Nike Ace 86 shoes
    
19. A pony
    
20. An endless flight pass to Kuching, free for use anytime I wish :)

Melancholy ~

On May 26th, Rhockaby is feeling : Melancholy ~

This week I had a paper titled 'Transformation - The Process of Change'. It was due Friday and I was kinda behind schedule (yup ... yup ... what else is new) but I managed. It was an art based paper for my flash course, so no, none of my other course-mates had to do it cause none of them are doing the subject.

Now though I managed to bullcrap my way through the paper (having no idea on what I was writing), it did actually get me thinking bout changes that we experience day to day, particularly those that affect us significantly.

Moods, health, relationships, perception, insights, friendship, trust ... nothing stays the same. Most of the time changes happen abruptly and seem to make the world a much better place to be in! These make us wake up looking forward to the day, help us walk down streets with a song in our heads and smile stretched across our faces. And then come the unexpected changes, those that take us by surprise. They leave us tainted, corrupt, empty and shocked. And thats just the entrée.

We're all familiar with the feeling. Hopelessly lost, neglectful of reality, going 'why why why' and feeling so alone .... we've all been there. Friends change into foes. Smiles change into frowns. Encouragement changes into curses. Trust changes into betrayal and honesty into lies lies lies. Change change change. You fall down and hit rhockbottom (yes, pun intended ;P).

I've always believed that staying down is a choice, one that has may factors, where will alone will simply not do. People want nothing more than to feel better, feel happy. But sometimes 'wanting' is not enough. They need support, encouragement and most of all COMFORT.

*Note* When a friend comes to you with a problem, don't rush to tell them how to get over it. Listen and comfort. Let them repeat themselves. If they wanted to know how to overcome things they're better of reading a book. Books don't listen. Books don't comfort. Listen and comfort. Remember that for the rest of your lives :) ~

Like I said, many many factors to the road of recovery. When they have the support they need and the will to go on, then they'll be able to make the choice; stay down or get up. And don't laugh when people want to stay down, some need more recovery time than others. If they choose to stay down, let them to a certain extent (cause lets face it, no one really likes a cry baby). Be there for them. That way when they're finally up on their feet and back on treading the world, you'll know you've done a helluva good job (even though they usually don't realize it, but who cares ~) and have something to be proud of. Change complete!

Change is inevitable. Bad change is as likely as good change, and the bad hits hardest when less expected. Read that again. HARDEST WHEN LESS EXPECTED. You could be forever cautious of your surroundings and a little paranoid and expect everything that there is to be expected. That way you'll be hurt free and will most likely never shed another tear or throw another fist.

But hey, where's the fun in living like that? ;)

Delectable ~

On May 15th, Rhockaby is feeling : Delectable ~

Honestly, it really is hard for me to come up with a five person dance routine to a very fast paced rock song. Really. So why do I do it? Well, theres the challenge of it (challenge being trying to combine two very different types of art in an attempt to show that all of art can actually be linked together in sync and harmony) and there's the force of habit.

As a child, I lacked toys (well no, not really. I actually had all the toys I wanted. I even consider myself quite spoiled sometimes ... anyway ...). To make up for this lack of playing things, I'd turn every other household item into one. Trying my best not to sound so stuck up, I can see me back then, sitting by myself and playing with random things, making sound effects and reciting dialogs ... and boy was I cute. The lid of a pen was a super-cool motorcycle of the future, my dad's watch was a sea monster that could onnect to other sea monsters (really, you can connect a couple of watches together, you get a really cool chain) and my scissor was a headless man with sharp legs and round arms.

But the best toy that I have ever had (EVER HAD) has to be my fingers. I remember sitting on the school bench waiting for the van to pick me up, I'd rehearse fights between my left hand and my right hand. Sometimes I'd let my left hand win, only cause mom said that I had to be fair to everyone even though they were sometimes bad (mom didn't know that it was my left hand that broke her vase, betcha she would have thought differently of it if she knew, ngeh ngeh).

When they weren't fighting, they were dancing. Sometimes they were people, sometimes they'd be on all fours and had an index finger as a head. Then they'd be something I refer to as 'it', a creature that walks on all four (fingers) and is able to roll up into an indestructible ball (my fist) when they sense danger. But mostly people.

So, if you see me just sitting back in my chair at home, in Starbucks or even a lecture hall; eyes staring blankly, earphones on with music full blast and have no acknowledgment of the outside world what so ever... look at my fingers. If they're jiggling about, making weird circles and moving in perfect sync, you're looking at a five man dancing routine in the making.Somethings never change. Then again, why would you want them to?

Ambiguous ~

On May 5th, Rhockaby is feeling : Ambiguous ~

I have a stupid habit.

See, my study table is a foot from my bed (or queen-sized sleeping mattress placed nicely on the floor so I don't need to buy a bed).

Everytime I finish using my phone, be it a call or messaging, I love to throw the phone onto the bed so that it lands nicely between my two pillows. The scene of something precious flailing helplessly in the air as if just waiting an eternity to crash into a million little fibers, when its fall is cushioned by the accepting softness of the great divide between my two pillows, and lands safely, unharmed ... it is this scene that brings an unknown warmth to my heart.

The only drawback is that everytime a message comes through, I need to get up, bend over, move the pillows, grab the phone, sit back down, see what someone wants with me, return the call or sms ... and after I'm done I instantly spot that oh so familiar spot on my bed and toss my phone ...

Up ... up ... up ... peak moment ... down ... down ... down ... *soft thud*

All that unconsciously. 10 seconds later another message will come in. Repeat routine.

I have a stupid habit. And no one can help me. Pfft!

Debilitated ~

On April 11th, Rhockaby is feeling : Debilitated ~

Happy Birthday Abuyah!

The need to preoccupy myself with distractions is wearing thin. A good sign that the healing process had completed, longer than I expected though. Either that or I'm getting bored with my daily routine. Anyways ... I don't really feel the urge to do things anymore.

A tournament is coming up and I haven't been training as hard as I should be. It's not so much of being lazy, its not having the heart to do so. No grasp on purpose.

I haven't been dancing much either. The crowd is always there, the dancers are always there, a fixed location within 5 minutes of walking time. No time? Oh please, if you really wanted to do something you would make time, regardless of your schedule. No excuses now eh?

(Oh cool, Champion League Man U (7) - Rome (1))

Instead, I find myself actually wanting to go to the library and study. I find myself going through notes rather than sketching. I find myself going swimming every time I have the urge to watch Family Guy. I find myself wearing red ... less. I have not bought a single new red garment in the past six months. I find myself growing my hair instead of keeping it short like I always do. I find myself pondering bout things to come rather than concentrating on things at hand. I cook my meals now more often than ever. I find myself listening more than talking. I find myself helping others, yet not being able to solve my own mysteries.

I'd hate to think people misinterpret this post as a cheap fishing attempt for a barrage of sympathy and concern related messages. It's not. It is a tender to those who can provide insight. A stranger's perception is usually unbiased though rarely authentic, but I'd like to know anyway.

Times are changing but it doesn't mean you should too. But what if you did it unwillingly, subconsciously? Does heart, desire and will give in to this primordial and fundamental instinct?

Or like I said, either that or I'm getting bored with my daily routine and should get an inamorata ASAP ... :)

"You taste like honey, honey, tell me can I be your honey?"

Magnanimous ~

On December 31st, Rhockaby is feeling : Magnanimous ~

What you give you get back.

What you put in you receive.

What happened before will return full circle.

What goes around comes around.

The memorabilia of 2006, 100 top things worth remembering this year! Here goes:

100. I managed to get into 2nd year in Uni!
99. I found another person with the same birthday as me.
98. I started using Limewire.
97. I discovered Tao.
96. I got a crush on someone.
95. Got me a new pair of jeans.
94. Helped grandmama at her stall.
93. Started using Adobe Photoshop.
92. Made a new best friend.
91. Learned how to make chicken rice.
80. Got heaps of acknowledgments for my Useless Facts!
89. Officially raw-battled for the first time.
88. Went to Genting!
87. Rode awesome roller coasters!
86. Fell in love. :)
85. Came up with the name "M*** *** C******" for a cafe I wanna open.
84. Visited distant family in KL.
83. Plan on getting a new phone.(w950 ... drools ...)
82. Received a keepsake.
81. Gave away Kanchome! ;)
80. Discovered mms! Hahaha ~
79. Enjoyed karaoke.
78. Got a job, all by my little self.
77. Got called a 'mutha******' at work. :(
76. Bought an apron.
75. Received my very first hard earned pay! :D
74. Saw a different side of Melbourne.
73. Learned to appreciate the gift that is Starbucks.
72. Became a Tekken hardcore.
71. Singlehandedly washed plates, cups, pans, utensils and equipment to provide food for 400++ hungry customers. So don't ever tell me I don't know what labor work feels like cause I've been there.
70. Broke a heart.
69. Embraced CSS coding.
68. In one night played with the webcam more than I've played in a year.
67. Danced with Melbourne's finest breakers.
66. Developed in interest to Suckoa.
65. Lent a large sum of money! (Trust me, it's not you.)
64. Got a red pair of gloves! Comfy!
63. Given the alias 'Yoshi' by the tekken guys.
62. Started vigorous abdomen workouts.
61. Bough a dis functional webcam. :(
60. Got my w810i! Whoot whoot!
59. Talked. And talked. And talked.
58. Finished a massive steel structures report.
57. Failed to answer a very important call.
56. Got the shock of the year.
55. Had cousins fly in from Malaysia to lift spirits up!
54. Had my hair tied!
53. Beat Johnno at Tekken!
52. Got a leather jacket as a gift!
51. Quit work for the first time. Got a steak as a going away present, haha!
50. Got my heart broken.
49. Found comfort in solitude and tears. :)
48. Discovered the joy that is Alone Time.
47. Tasted custard tarts!
46. Got more than 50++ kids to dance and express themselves at an event!
45. Bought my first AX shirt!
44. Busted prefect mills in a break session.
43. Bought my now missing-in-action black army cap.
42. Battled cat city's local bboys.
41. Discovered Pandan Susu Drink!
40. Status change.
39. Relived Taekwondo.
38. Made loads of new friends!
37. Introduced to the joy that is Paulino Piotto!
36. Wore a construction safety hat for the first time.
35. Stopped a fight on Swanston Street.
34. Attended 7.00 am training sessions.
33. Started to enjoy green tea!
32. Won silver in Taekwondo Australian Uni Games! :D
31. Started to converse in basic chinese.
30. Rode in an ambulance for the first time!
29. Introduced to Maplestory!
28. Traveled to Adelaide by land.
27. Dosed with morphine. Wicked stuff, seriously.
26. Had korean food! Yummy!
25. Experienced the damnation that is land surveying; traversing and leveling! :~(
24. Started using BitComet!
23. Tried a new hairstyle, works awesomely!
22. Had a big hassle with my insurance company.
21. Got on Tram 86 instead of 96 and enjoyed a less-than-thrilling ride to Bundoora Campus.
20. Got a crush.
19. Played badminton with friends, first time in years.
18. Got to level 30 with my Assassin! :D
17. Bought A-Cash!
16. Nailed a 180-flip, with air!
15. Visited Yaya's house for Raya celebration!
14. Discovered Umai! Waa, belalak aih!
13. Got a friend a jacket!
12. Rearranged my room, so spacious now!
11. Hit 160km/h!
10. Flew a kite with Ayu!
9. Discovered e-cosway! Haha, life time supply of free money!
8. Started wearing a watch.
7. Discovered I have food allergy! 0_0"
6. Learnt how to read, write and speak Mandarin!
5. Forgave and forgot.
4. Hugged mom.
3. Slept on the forsaken mat in the dining area. Damn, I'm gonna miss that mat.
2. Wrote a list of a hundred things worth remembering this year.

And now, the number 1 thing most memorable of 2006 for Rhockaby is ...

1. AT 20 YEARS OLD I FINALLY LEARNED HOW TO RIDE A MOTORCYCLE! AND NOT JUST THE SMALL BIKES, BUT ABUYAH'S BIG BIKE! WAAAA, I'M SO PROUD OF MYSELF!

(Highlight here!)

Thanks 2006, you were fun at times, then dull, and then you were adrenaline pumping, and then you were just plain mean. But all and all, I'd have nothing changed. It was a great year for me, period! Looking forward to another year! Whoppie!

Tepid ~

On December 25th, Rhockaby is feeling : Tepid ~

Comes the nightfall will return the dawn.

Now in many ways, I believe the concept of karma. Buat baik dibalas baik, buat jahat dibalas jahat. So when people do harm to you, initially you think that either they will pay for their misguided actions or you will receive some sort of consolation.

But how about this ...

Say a misdeed has been done upon you, for reasons that you find complete obscene. In no way do you find this act tolerable and by your standards its something you just don't do to other people. Now add a separation of time into this scenario. You're all better now, the previous ache is nothing more than a bantam itch. All is well when suddenly ... JENG JENG JENG (sorry couldn't resist) ... a familiar situation comes into play. This feels familiar, you think you've been here before. Oh my, you WERE here before, just not on this side of the field.

The formations are set. Whistle is blown and the game begins. You play wholeheartedly, doing everything according to instinct, playing the game the way you think is best. And then it hits you (an innuendo not a ball). Your game play, team formations, strategies and mind games ... they are everything you deem wrong. They are everything you despise and simply inadequate by every manner. But No wonder they did this, it feels so right!

Whoa. How the hell did that happen ...

They say walk a mile in you enemies shoes before you authenticate that you're on the right side of the war. Well now I'm in their shoes (kinda small though, sakit nak berjalan). The question is, to play with guilt or walk away with pride.

Decisions decisions ... :)

Perplexed ~

On October 25th, Rhockaby is feeling : Perplexed ~

If there is anything about me that you should know, it is that I pride myself on being unique. Like many others out there, I cuztomize like mad. Sometimes to stand out of the crowd. Sometimes to catch a certain someones eye. Sometimes just cause I feel like it. Sometimes just for the sake of it. This pride would sometimes lead me to doing some pretty weird (in some cases scary) sh|t. Now if you've known me for quite sometime and have been subjected to my company, then you'll prolly know what these things are. If you don't, well you may read on and learn an extra thing or two bout me:

(Now Zack, when you re-read this in the future, you'll prolly laugh your heart out as well. So what I wan't you to do is write a new post (assuming you're still blogging) and mark those which you still do and mark off those that you don't anymore!)

(See, that was some weird sh|t right there ...)

1. I love random hello's and hi's. I will step up to a stranger on the street and say hi. Almost got me into a fight with a big bald guy once!

2. I will greet you half way through a conversation.

3. When all is silent, I will make an annoying little noise.

4. I tend to press the alarm button in the elevator.

5. Anything that is red, I will say it looks good. I will not stop saying it looks good until you agree with me.

6. If I find something funny bout you, I will imitate.

7. And trust me, I LOVE IMITATING!

8. I will repeat you're question in a tone as if it were an answer. Usually takes people a couple of seconds to comprehend and go "What!?".

9. I fiddle my fingers and make em dance.

Ehem ... that was shorter than I expected. I need to study now.