Frivolous ~

On August 4th, Rhockaby is feeling : Frivolous ~

(Ofcorse, by writing this here, I'm proving what a coward I am. I felt like writing poetry instead but .. um ... like ... poetry isn't really my strong point ... and ... yeah ...)

Hi there,

Yes. The pain is unbareable. I'm 15 years old again. I hate it. But what to do? Well, I could always consult myself.

People that come to me with this problem, I always give them the same answer.

"You've hit rock-bottom. Now the only place left to go is up."

So why am I not ascending? Prolly because I'm still holding on to this false truth that I want to believe so much. Every night I go back in time and relive those uplifting moments. And every night I go back in time, sittting in that blue office chair, handset tilted, holding back those fucking tears and pulling the best lie of my life.

"I'll be fine. (Smile)"

I lied.

"We'll still be friends. I promise."

I lied some more.

"It'll prolly take months."

Lol. Shameful attemp for sympathy. Or is it empathy? Erk!

Man I must have been good cause it sounded like you bought it. Or were you just playing along as I always was? Ehihi. One thing that I still can't figure out. Up until the very end, the very very end, you still couldn't be honest.

Oh well. I knew he made the call. Infact, I found out that very night. So much for true colors huh? Always telling me you would appreciate the truth more than anything else, and yet what you want you will not give. It's ok (I'm lying again), you must have had very good reasons to jeapordize our amitié. Whatever they were, didn't you think I deserved the truth more than anyone else? After all I did and endured, didn't I? *Sigh* Apparently not.

And yet ...Dispite that I still couldn't hate. Still trying to save you from a guilty conscience. (Did you ever even feel guilty? I don't know ... so much doubt now ...) Still couldn't explode. Still couldn't plummet you with hatred. Hang on. Was there any reason to? Well, there was that long period of 4 or 5 weeks that you never called. No thats not it. You were busy. Um ... Oh! The phone call you made just before my first examination! Yes, thats it! Talk about demotivating, lol!

(Wow ... if you're reading this, you prolly really hate me by now. It's ok, I dont mind. Who wouldnt.)

It's already been what... 2 or 3 weeks since we said our goodbyes? I thought I'd be doing pretty fine by now. But alas, I can fool even the closest to me but not myself. Who am I kidding, right? So I've decided to go for an extreme. (Suits me I guess, I've always prefered extreme measures.) I guess you'll actually support this, cause you know ... you never were keen on letting people close to you know about me. What would they say!

So I'll do us a favor (well actually I'm just doing this for myself) and dissolve everything there was about us. No pictures. No memories. No nothing. Exactly! Now no one will ever know, right? Big favor there, you owe me one!

I still won't go back on the one thing I've always meant; I have no regrets. Neither of us wished for what happened to happen, but thats not what matters. What matters is how we actually dealed with it, and honestly, you really disappointed me. :( All those times talking to you about how precious our amitié was to us ... good Lord, who would believe ... I don't wish things tuned out differently, cause then I would have never seen that shocking and unforseen part of you.

Maybe one day we'll be friends again. Maybe one day we'll look back on this and laugh our asses off. Well I might, anyways. But for now, I bid you farewell. It was fun while it lasted, really! Have a good life and make it big ya. Taa ~

Yours sarcastically.